Theos-Talk Archives (August 1997 Message tl00038)

----------
> From: Titus Roth <titus@clisome9.rose.hp.com>
> Subject: Re: Bast
> Date: Thursday, July 31, 1997 8:24 PM
> 
> "A. Safron" <safron@concentric.net> wrote:
> 
> >>  From: DSArthur@aol.com
> >> snippy>   Fine for animals, of course, but not for us vastly
> >>  superior human beings.  We deserve better than that!  Right? 
>  
> > Ask any exalted feline and he/she will tell you that the human
> > race is here to serve them because of their vastly superior
> > intelligence and sensibilities.
>  
> > Remember Bast?  Cats were worshipped in Egypt and rightly so.
> 
> A fine segue to Rules for cats who have a house to run:
> 
> I.  DOORS:  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door opened,
> stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is opened, it
> is not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door
> opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.  This
> is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
> mosquito season.  Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
> 
> II.  CHAIRS AND RUGS:  If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
> If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is no
> Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
> you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
> 
> III.  BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not
> necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
> 
> IV.  HAMPERING:  If one of your humans is engaged in some close
> activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is
> called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are the
> rules for "hampering":
> 
>    a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
> 	cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
> 	being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
> 
>    b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
> 	book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
> 
>    c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
> 	appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at
> 	least the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so
> 	often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The
> 	worker may try to distract you; ignore it.  Remember, the aim
> 	is to hamper work.  Embroidery and needlepoint projects make
> 	great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
> 
>    d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
> 	taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim
> 	-- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When
> 	dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity
> 	proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
> 	best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time,
> 	push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
> 
>    e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
> 	to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.
> 
> V.  WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
> in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
> in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
> This will help their coordination skills.
> 
> VI.  BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move
> around.

VII. Computer Time:  Sit on the human's lap, so that your feline head
gently rubs against the arms of your owner.

A. Safron