Aug 01, 1997 05:46 PM
by A. Safron
> From: Titus Roth <email@example.com>
> Subject: Re: Bast
> Date: Thursday, July 31, 1997 8:24 PM
> "A. Safron" <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
> >> From: DSArthur@aol.com
> >> snippy> Fine for animals, of course, but not for us vastly
> >> superior human beings. We deserve better than that! Right?
> > Ask any exalted feline and he/she will tell you that the human
> > race is here to serve them because of their vastly superior
> > intelligence and sensibilities.
> > Remember Bast? Cats were worshipped in Egypt and rightly so.
> A fine segue to Rules for cats who have a house to run:
> I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened,
> stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it
> is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
> opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This
> is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
> mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
> II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
> If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
> Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
> you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
> III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
> necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
> IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close
> activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
> called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the
> rules for "hampering":
> a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
> cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
> being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
> b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
> book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
> c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
> appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at
> least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so
> often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The
> worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim
> is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make
> great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
> d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
> taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim
> -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
> dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
> proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
> best of your ability. After being removed for the second time,
> push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
> e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
> to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
> V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
> in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
> in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
> This will help their coordination skills.
> VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move
VII. Computer Time: Sit on the human's lap, so that your feline head
gently rubs against the arms of your owner.
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