Theos-Talk Archives (August 1998 Message tl00002)

in the hope that this list shall rise from the dead, I offer this little bit
of news.

Chuck the Heretic

The 1998 Darwin Awards

They have finally been released!  For those not familiar with the Darwin

Award - It's an annual [dis]honor given to the person who did the
universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the
most
extraordinarily stupid way.  As always, competition this year has been
keen again.  Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives
for
this event.

The Darwin Awards Nominees:

1.  In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3.  Buxton, NC:  A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said
Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.  People on the beach, on the outer
banks,
used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a
resident
of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.  It took rescue workers
using
heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked
on.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4.  In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as
he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as  he hit
the
floor.

5.     According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,

20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,
who
was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena
was wearing.

6.     Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in
Selbyville,
Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7.     In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a
tie
in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff  near
Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the
spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

9. AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
accidents.  Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by
flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and

contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum
tissue,
and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand  had been
bitten
off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
and,
in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts  at  him.  "I'm
still
not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really  close to the car,
so I
didn't think anyone would see.  Besides, it couldn't have been for more
than two seconds."  However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control
of
his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson
Medical
Building.  Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's
teeth.
The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing
Corcoran's gums with
a cleaning pick.   In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand.
Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

10.     TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating

three birth-control vaginal inserts.   Her English was so bad she had to
draw
a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself.   A
translator
arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie
Valishnokov
thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read
the
foil wrappers.  After the third one, she realized something was wrong
when her
throat and mouth began to fill with sour-tasting foam. She ran for the
Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam
from her
mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.

11.     TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several
friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation grew
more
heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at
4:30 a.m.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought
bungee rope.   Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out
that a coil of cable had been left near the railing.  One end was tied
to Bingham's leg and
the other end was tied to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet before
the cable tightened and tore
his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  "All I can say,"said Bingham, "is
that God was
watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for
it."  Bingham's foot
was never located.

12. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery.
This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he
had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choices as listed below:

1.     The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2.     The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion
of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in
public places;
3.     To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
car parked
at the front door;
4.     An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee
before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots.  The officer and a clerk

promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool.  Several other
customers
also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

13.     In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
decided
to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a cliff and tied a noose
around his neck.
He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison
and set fire
to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.  He
jumped and
fired the pistol.  The bullet missed him completely and cut through the
rope
above him.  Free of the threat of changing, he plunged into the sea. The

sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.
He was
dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital,
where
he died - of  hypothermia.

DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS

(1)     In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede
with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock
near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his
skull.

2)     In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.

(3)     Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what
would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.

(4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting.  This
year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including
one
gored in the head and one Bobbittized.  Said one participant, "It's just
one
bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."

AND THE WINNER IS....
Japan Times-April 16, 1997 "The government must crack down on this
disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima
hospital
told reporters.  "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the
cream of
Thailand's manhood. " He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old
Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency
room.
"Most  'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting
the
nozzle far up their rectum, giving them a rush of air, creating a
momentary
high.  This act is a sin against God."   Charnchai took it further
still.  He started using a
two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him,
and
he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose
at
a nearby gasoline station.  They dared him to do it so, under cover of
darkness, he snuck in.  Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he
inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.
As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passers-by are still in
shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight
fireworks display, and started clapping.  "We still haven't located all
of
him", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted
with the
gas in his system, he nearly exploded.   It was like an atom bomb went
off
or something."  "Pumping  is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no
to
Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then
hide
your bicycle pump where  it cannot tempt you."

Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed
Darwin Awards recipient!