Theos-Talk Archives (May 1996 Message tl01168)

The file which follows is transcribed *verbatim* as originally written
nineteen years ago.  Although the language I might use now would be a
little different, I can find little fault with it which is not mentioned
in the transcript itself.  This is something which *actually happened*
to me.  It is not part of any teaching, dogma, nor out of any textbook
on theosophy or anything else, though *the account of it* has probably
been influenced by studying such things.  So be it.

I upload it to the list for the benfit of anyone who can make good use
of it - it is a gift, if you like.  I desperately hope no one is going
to try to "explain" it to me.  I already did that. :-) - Alan
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"Saturday February 19th 1977

"Woken by 'bad dream'. I was looking for my parents (--?) and was
   recalling in the dream that should they hear me making sounds of
   a certain kind they would wake me up. In the dream I was very
   anxious, as I could hear the sounds, but nothing was happening -
   I was not being woken. I passed along a section of suburban
   street, not in the body, and found the source of the sound. It
   was my own body, which was lying face down in the bed, moaning
   loudly with each out-breath. Surprised, I dropped down into it
   immediately, and awoke, trembling. Realising the significance of
   the 'dream' I endeavoured to recall it, or as much of it as
   possible, and to hold this recollection until I awoke again
   later in the usual manner, which I have done.

"NOTES: In the dream, my parents were supposed to have instructions
   regarding waking me if necessary. This can only be symbolic, as
   I live 135 miles away from them.

"I was looking for the source of the sound myself, *because* I had
   not been woken.

"I was away from my body. By implication, I knew I was away from it,
   otherwise I would not have left 'instructions' to wake me in the
   event of my (body) making a noise.

"I was aware of myself looking for body in order to get back into it
   and to awaken it, in the same way as one is aware of events
   happening to someone else. It would be true to say that I was
   watching the proceedings with a detached and carefully observant
   attitude.

"What then is 'I' ? Certainly not my body - that was moaning on its
   own. I was aware of it dimly, but clearly expected someone else
   to deal with it. I only went back to it when it was apparent
   that this was not going to happen. I was aware of myself
   searching for my body, *as an observer of myself.* So I am not
   that self which was looking for its body, though for part of the
   dream I am identified with it, and anxious. The clearest
   recollection on first waking was of the dream details and the
   anxiety. On looking at the event more closely, at that time I
   was aware of my actual detachment from the events, which I
   observed without identification.

"CONCLUSIONS

"'I' is not my body, because it can moan in my absence, and 'I' can
   be aware of this to the extent of hurrying hack to it in order
   to stop it.

"'I' is not that self that was away from the body, and anxious to
   return because of the body's distress, for I had awareness of
   this 'self' in the same way as I would of anyone else. The 'out
   of the body' self was anxious. I, observing the whole thing, was
   not.

'I' am 'I'. I have a body, which can moan in its sleep, whilst my
   'self' is away from it. I can observe myself away from my body,
   and instruct my memory to recall the event, *once the event is
   brought to my attention.*

'I' can then utilise the faculties of both 'self' and body to
   recall the occurrence at a later time, and to record it with as
   much clarity as 'I' observed it.

"My body had distress - it moaned.

"My 'self' had anxiety - it looked for the body.

"'I' had no feeling - 'I' simply saw.

"I who saw now make these notes, using the faculties inherent in
   body and 'self'. ('Self' objects to this, insisting on its
   independence from 'I'.  It is rather like a disobedient child.
   Therefore 'self' sees 'I' as a parent - the parents of the dream
   sequence perhaps, which is how 'I' became involved, by
   detachment, in the events).

"I am not body.

"I am not the body's complaints.

"I am not anxiety, or any of the feelings attributable to 'self'.
   ('Self' is very cross at this !)

"I am simply I.

"I possess attributes such as body, with its attributes, and 'self'
   with its attributes, but they are possessions only, following
   their own natures and laws. 'Self' has some independence from
   body, but is bound to return to it if need be, and, it would
   seem, to advise of its absence. I can have awareness of this -
   probably again according to the laws of being, but am not
   involved in any way other to observe and record.

"I am I, and I am. I know that I am and that I possess qualities,
   which qualities I am not. The nature and activity of these
   qualities of body and 'self' changes in behaviour and mood, and
   also in function. *I do not.* Thanks be to God.

"(Some part, if not all of the last sentence is the identification
   of 'self' with my observation - I observe it to be so! The child
   seeks to emulate, and *thereby to control* the parent!)

A.B."
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