Theos-Talk Archives (January 1999 Message tl00059)

Kym,

>It seems we must grieve - some of us harder than others.  Maybe we need to
>be taught "how" to grieve rightly. . .but it is so, so, so difficult.

It certainly is. It is as natural to grieve as for a tree to bleed when a
branch is cut off. And natural to be thrown into a ferment of agonised
working over how your loved one died, what they left undone, what you wish
you'd said to them, etc. The first two years are the worst :-)

Death of a loved one is a huge shock, and more so when death is sudden. At
least, with a terminal disease, there is more time to say the things to
each other you really wanted to, and make some adjustment to the idea
together. This I found when my first wife died of cancer 20 years ago.

Grief is not just one big negative, as people so often assume, because it
includes the work of processing the myriad thoughts and feelings and
aspects of your relationship with the newly-dead person - an intense review
of their life and an adjustment to being without their physical company and
communication. This may well parallel what they are going through, in some
ways, but I suspect that we on earth take longer to do it.

People go through the different stages of grief in their own way - often in
a different order, or with some stages repeated - compared with the linear
progression outlined in some textbooks. It is easy to get stuck at some
phase of grief, sometimes for a long time. We may then find a key or be
helped to grieve "rightly".

Certainly, though, as I found, the issues are by no means just those of
having and losing.

I would say don't feel the slightest bit silly about talking to your loved
one, in any way you like; take the courage to be what you are and assume
that they will take you for what you are, in a journey that is still in
some deepest sense one. Talk about them to other people, too. Let no
socially-implanted ideas inhibit you from feeling your love towards them,
and be open to their closeness and essence as if deep within your heart. I
can imagine *you* being influenced by socially-implanted ideas, of course
... :)

One thing that theosophical sources offer, is the possibility of meeting
our dead loved ones on the inner planes while we sleep. This one is both
nice and tantalising, as we generally remember nothing of it. Dreams - take
lightly; they can be just subconscious dregs being thrown up while
processing, or may symbolise some kind of inner-level contact in an
expressive and precious way.

When my first wife was terminally ill, we went through some of the stages
of grief before her death - shock, etc etc, and that alerted me to the
possibility that people can do some of what they're normally said to do
after death, before it. There's more of a continuum than we may think.

I felt my whole comprehension of theosophy challenged, during the days of
my wife's illness. Some people lose their faith at this stage, in whatever
religion they have. I felt stripped to the core, seeing with merciless
clarity that most of what I "knew" about theosophy was second or third-hand
knowledge; how little I knew for myself - how small a space, and how dark,
was my own head. (Interesting one, that, for its implication is that my
vantage point was in fact different. The soul speaking?) That searing
experience has borne a wonderful harvest, however, in a greater ability to
empathise with others, and a clear vision of head-knowledge as a set of
models of reality.

No mushy stuff,

Murray

>I have one more question (for you and all on this list):
>
>I have just lost a most precious loved one due to sudden death.  I have
>read that grieving for one who has passed over can actually hinder their
>journey -
>
> ....
>
>By the way, I know that people on this list are compassionate enough to
>offer me words of condolence, but it is not necessary - besides, I'm one of
>those who gets weird at mushy stuff. . .got it?