Jul 31, 1997 06:24 PM
by Titus Roth
"A. Safron" <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
>> From: DSArthur@aol.com
>> snippy> Fine for animals, of course, but not for us vastly
>> superior human beings. We deserve better than that! Right?
> Ask any exalted feline and he/she will tell you that the human
> race is here to serve them because of their vastly superior
> intelligence and sensibilities.
> Remember Bast? Cats were worshipped in Egypt and rightly so.
A fine segue to Rules for cats who have a house to run:
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it
is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This
is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the
rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at
least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so
often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The
worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim
is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make
great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim
-- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability. After being removed for the second time,
push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move
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