Theos-Talk Archives (April 1996 Message tl01439)

At 08:26 PM 4/29/96 -0400, you wrote:

>My ancestors were kings of Scotland.  Without wishing to cause you any
>offence, or personal disrespect - so what?  I understand that you are
>proud of your heritage, as no doubt are several thousand "Bains" around
>the world - most of whom have heard of the family history.
>
>Your own princely title receives a high profile in your writings on
>theos-l, but in all honesty, I much prefer John's friend Alexis.  I
>sincerely hope this does not upset you, as I intend a compliment, not a
>put down.
>
>Fondly,
>
>Alan
>---------
>THEOSOPHY INTERNATIONAL:
>Ancient Wisdom for a New Age
>TI@nellie2.demon.co.uk
>http://www.garlic.com/~rdon/TI.html
>
>Alan my dear: I think you missed my point. I know you intend what you said
as a very sincere compliment, and I accept it as such, and wish it could be
my only reality. Yes, there's John's lover Alexis(Grady) who's an artist of
some note, a writer of less note(yet), a gourmet cook, an animal lover, a
long time very active social revolutionary, and human rights activist. BUT
there is also the other Alexis, and he's the result of his upbringing and
his genetics and the innermost portion of whom does't wish to be ignored.
Some of my ancestors were Kings of Scotland too, in the 10th and 11th
centuries, and that's far too long ago to matter, but my immediate ancestors
were Czars, real one's, not imaginary Kings of Bythnia, and the last one was
murdered a mere 16 years before my birth. 3200 members of my family were
murdered, some of them cruelly tortured first, some of them merely children,
others of them old men and women, and if you think one isn't effected by
growing up listening to those horror stories, then you are far less astute
than I know you to be. It's very simple for people not concerned, for people
who haven't lived in dread and hiding, for people who don't really know what
it means to be rejected by the whole world for something which was
accidental on your part. Fashions go "out of style", social amusements "go
out of style", do you have any real idea what it feels like to be a person
who's "gone out of style"? Do you have any idea at all how terrifying it is
to fear that one may go back INTO "style"? For months after the Soviet
Government fell, every time I saw a limousine coming near the Yacht Harbor
where I lived, I cringed. Do you know what it's like to fear having one's
life, and independence, "snatched away" in the name of "duty"? Do you know
how uncomfortable it is to be two persons, one of them private and the other
not? Do you have any idea how it feels when, first as a little boy and then
on into adulthood, you know that there is a good possibility that you will
be murdered as a "symbol", the death is real, the act of killing merely
symbolic? No matter how much I want to just be "John's Lover Alexis" it's
not really possible because too many people in the Governments of both
countries know about me, and I've always been terrified that my life would
be useful to either of those Governments or both. Do you know what it's like
to be a "symbol" and not a real person? You see Alan, I have never had the
luxury of being an ordinary person, and I don't now, more so now that
Russia's in turmoil than ever before. So you see, it's just not as simple as
both you and I wish it was. The trouble is Blavatsky was my fourth Cousin
but so is Elisabeth Windsor, it just never get's far enough away for me to
be let go of. Strange Karma isn't it? As theosophists we kind of believe in
reincarnation in one form or another, and we kind of believe in Karma in one
form or another, and so, I imagine I was born in the situation that was
right for me, but it sure hasn't been fun. I know why, and for what purpose,
but it still isn't fun.

alexis