for your enjoyment from the Net (fwd)
Mar 04, 1995 09:16 PM
by John Mead
New Computer Viruses ( brought to you this week by CyberChick -
ROFL):
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-
attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by
LAN, twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless
of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires
you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child
process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer,
ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a
3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish
anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot
up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it
all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my
docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all
the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it
on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self defense".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million
dollars, it programmer will take it back.
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