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That old Farte Sarte

Dec 17, 1999 06:02 PM
by JRC

On of the funniest things anyone's sent me in awhile ... -JRC


> The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook
> (Origin unknown...)
> We were lucky enough to discover several previously lost diaries of
> French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre for sale at the Farmers' Market.
> These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but
> food. Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to
> write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor
> The diaries are excerpted here. Do not try this at home.
> October 3
> Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually
> eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to
> work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.
> October 4
> Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep
> creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the
> but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an
> that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they
> like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back.
> Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux
> suggested paprika.
> October 6
> I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is
> bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarettes, some coffee,
> four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but
> my journey is still very long.
> October 10
> I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional
> dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely.
> Today I tried this recipe:
> Tuna Casserole
> Ingredients:
> 1 large casserole dish
> Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven
> and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night
> do not turn on the light.
> While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its
> inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater
> that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish?
> am becoming ever more frustated.
> October 25
> I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire
> cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself,
> embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well
> as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the
> four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of
> foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen,
> refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a
> recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef,
> a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work
> November 15
> Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a
> live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was
> very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay
> dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement
> yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
> November 30
> Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had
> hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty
> Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of
> blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more
> than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I
> only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty
> lawsuit.
> December 1
> I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am
> now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and
> ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin,
> but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on
> cigarettes and black coffee.

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