Theos-Talk Archives (August 1998 Message tl00036)

Got this from another mailing list.  Have fun.

Chuck the Heretic

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order
to better
serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be
kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or
address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or
suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper            __ Other Book
__ Television           __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth        __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid              __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible                __ Torah
__ Other(specify): ____________________________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Yaweh        __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehova       __ Jesus
__ Alah         __ Satan
__ God          __ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes                          __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here:

___________________________________________________

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
Please
check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?

__ Yes                          __ No

If Yes, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.

__ Odin                 __ Cthulhu
__ Zeus                 __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo               __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra                   __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit     __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun              __ Ronald Reagan
__ The Moon             __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb             __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God?
Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot                        __ Lottery
__ Astrology                    __ Television
__ Fortune cookies              __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network      __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry                    __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books              __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms                    __ Newt Gingrich
__ Tea Leaves                   __ ESP
__ Mantras                      __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals                     __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids                     __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies           __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.              __ Other: ______________________
__ Barney Fife                  __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you
prefer
(circle one)?

   a. More Divine Intervention
   b. Less Divine Intervention
   c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

  a. Disasters

flood             1   2   3   4   5
famine            1   2   3   4   5
earthquake        1   2   3   4   5
war               1   2   3   4   5
pestilence        1   2   3   4   5
plague            1   2   3   4   5
SPAM              1   2   3   4   5
AOL               1   2   3   4   5
"The Postman"     1   2   3   4   5

  b. Miracles

rescues             1   2   3   4   5
spontaneous
  remissions        1   2   3   4   5
stars hovering
  over towns        1   2   3   4   5
crying statues      1   2   3   4   5
water changing
  to wine           1   2   3   4   5
walking on water
  (not the Hudson)  1   2   3   4   5
talking flaming
   shrubbery        1   2   3   4   5
VCRs that set
   their own clocks 1   2   3   4   5
Saddam Hussein
   still alive      1   2   3   4   5
Cubs winning
   the Series       1   2   3   4   5
Clinton's
   re-election      1   2   3   4   5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the
quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):