Theos-Talk Archives (February 1997 Message tl00269)

       "Star Trek The New Generation Lost Episode" Transcript


"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

"What the hell is `Microsoft'?"

"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
`Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command
unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing
systems to increase their storage capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of
itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially
with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough.
Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will
be available for their normal operational functions."

"Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape'
idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

"Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command
unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 850f all available resources.
However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."

"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity,
but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their
increase."

"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we
have missed."

"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards."

"Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape
sequence 3F ...."

"Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0!"

"Data, what does your scanners show?"

"Appearently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named
`Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

"Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

"Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

"As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase
resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit
more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.

"How much time will that buy us?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of
6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE
CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID
ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands
of humanoid-shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

"My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg
ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep
space?!"

"I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits."

"Lawyers!!"

"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

"True, but apparently some must have survived."

"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of
papers."

"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often proves
fatal."

"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

"Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg
doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"