Theos-Talk Archives (December 1996 Message tl00690)

----------
This post seems to be making the rounds on the
internet.  I feel is it philosophically thought-provoking
enough for the logically-unchallenged members of
this auspicious list.

AEB

> --------- Begin forwarded message ----------
>
> >     Why did the chicken cross the road?
> >
> >
> >     Plato:
> >     For the greater good.
> >
> >     Karl Marx:
> >     It was an historical inevitability.
> >
> >     Thomas de Torquemada:
> >     Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
> >
> >     Timothy Leary:
> >     Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it
> >     take.
> >
> >     Douglas Adams:
> >     Forty-two.
> >
> >     Oliver North:
> >     National Security was at stake.
> >
> >     Albert Einstein:
> >     Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
> chicken
> >     depends upon your frame of reference.
> >
> >     Salvador Dali:
> >     The Fish.
> >
> >     Ernest Hemingway:
> >     To die. In the rain.
> >
> >     Werner Heisenberg:
> >     We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it
> was
> >     moving very fast.
> >
> >     Jack Nicholson:
> >     'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
> >
> >     Ronald Reagan:
> >     I forget.
> >
> >     Henry David Thoreau:
> >     To live deliberately... and suck all the marrow out of life.
> >
> >     Joseph Stalin:
> >     I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
> >
> >     Machiavelli:
> >     So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
> which
> >     has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with
> >     fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a
> >     paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's
> >     dominion maintained.
> >
> >     Hippocrates:
> >     Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
> >
> >     Telstra Management:
> >     Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
> >     dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
> >     challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
> >     newly competitive market. Telstra management, in a partnering
> >     relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
> >     physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using
> >     the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) T.M helped the chicken use its
> >     skills, methodologies, knowledge capital, and experiences to align
> >     the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its
> >     overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Telstra
> >     Management convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and
> >     best chickens along with T.M consultants with deep skills in the
> >     transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of
> meetings
> >     in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit
> and
> >     explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order
> to
> >     achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
> >     architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
> >     across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
> >
> >     The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating
> an
> >     impactful environment which was strategically based,
> industry-focused,
> >     and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
> >     aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This
> was
> >     conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
> >     solution. Telstra Management helped the chicken change to become
> more
> >     successful.
> >
> >     Coalition Frontbencher:
> >     Because although the bird's shares in the current side of the road
> >     couldn't really be seen to be influencing the bird's portfolio
> >     responsibilities, there was a technical breach of the bird's
> alliance
> >     with the current side of the road and the code of conduct for
> >     ministerial responsibility.
> >
> >     Pauline Hanson:
> >     Because that's where they belong. They don't deserve to be on this
> >     side of the road. They've 'fowled' this side of the road enough
> with
> >     their presence. Why don't they go back to the side of the road
> where
> >     they came from! We're in danger of being AVIANISED.
> >
> >     The Grimm Brothers:
> >     It wasn't a chicken anymore, it was a slender beautiful swan. And
> all
> >     the other swans crossed the road together with the beautiful swan
> and
> >     they lived happily ever after.
> >
> >     Arnold Schwarzenegger:
> >     HE VILL BE BACK! He is chust going to the chymnasium.
> >
> >     Sylvester Stallone:
> >     Waada waadha aa waadha waa.
> >
> >     Nietzsche:
> >     Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
> >     across
> >     you.
> >
> >     Carl Jung:
> >     The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
> >     individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
> >     therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
> >
> >     Jean-Paul Sartre:
> >     In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken
> found
> >     it necessary to cross the road.
> >
> >     Ludwig Wittgenstein:
> >     The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects
> "chicken"
> >     and
> >     "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the
> >     actualization of this potential  occurrence.
> >
> >     Aristotle:
> >     To actualize its potential.
> >
> >     Buddha:
> >     If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
> >
> >     Darwin:
> >     It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
> >
> >     Emily Dickinson:
> >     Because it could not stop for death.
> >
> >     Epicurus:
> >     For fun.
> >
> >     Ralph Waldo Emerson:
> >     It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
> >
> >     Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
> >     The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
> >
> >     David Hume:
> >     Out of custom and habit.
> >
> >     Saddam Hussein:
> >     The chicken crossed the road as an unprovoked act of rebellion and
> we
> >     were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> >
> >     Pyrrho the Skeptic:
> >     What road?
> >
> >     John Sununu:
> >     The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so
> >     quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
> opportunity.
> >
> >     The Sphinx:
> >     You tell me.
> >
> >     Mark Twain:
> >     The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
> >
> >     Stephen Jay Gould:
> >     It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it,
> but
> >     we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories
> >     despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the
> >     genetics of  behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the
> >     specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological
> >     speculation.
> >
> >     Captain James T. Kirk:
> >     To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> >
> >     Noam Chomsky:
> >     The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something
> like
> >     99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year, had spent 82%
> of
> >     their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken
> >     coops break every international law ever written, and some,
> >     particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on
> >     inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless
> >     you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have
> >     crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of
> course,
> >     this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily
> dancing
> >     around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens
> >     are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally,
> Foster
> >     Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain,
> a
> >     subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues
> for
> >     32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press)
>
>       Our local county road department:  To show the possum that it can
> be done.
>
>
>
> --------- End forwarded message ----------