Aug 17, 1996 05:10 PM
by Dr. A.M.Bain
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Saturday February 19th 1977
Woken by 'bad dream'. I was looking for my parents (--?) and was
recalling in the dream that should they hear me making sounds of
a certain kind they would wake me up. In the dream I was very
anxious, as I could hear the sounds, but nothing was happening -
I was not being woken. I passed along a section of suburban
street, not in the body, and found the source of the sound. It
was my own body, which was lying face down in the bed, moaning
loudly with each out-breath. Surprised, I dropped down into it
immediately, and awoke, trembling. Realising the significance of
the 'dream' I endeavoured to recall it, or as much of it as
possible, and to hold this recollection until I awoke again
later in the usual manner, which I was able to do.
NOTES: In the dream, my "parents" were supposed to have instructions
regarding waking me if necessary. This can only be symbolic, as
I live 140 miles away from them.
I was looking for the source of the sound myself, *because* I had
not been woken.
I was away from my body. By implication, I knew I was away from it,
otherwise I would not have left 'instructions' to wake me in the
event of my (body) making a noise.
I was aware of myself looking for body in order to get back into it
and to awaken it, in the same way as one is aware of events
happening to someone else. It would be true to say that I was
watching the proceedings with a detached and observant attitude.
What then is 'I' ? Certainly not my body - that was moaning on its
own. I was aware of it dimly, but clearly expected someone else
to deal with it. I only went back to it when it was apparent
that this was not going to happen. I was aware of myself
searching for my body, *as an observer of myself.* So I am not
that self which was looking for its body, though for part of the
dream I am identified with it, and anxious. The clearest
recollection on first waking was of the dream details and the
anxiety. On looking at the event more closely, at that time I
was aware of my actual detachment from the events, which I
observed without identification.
'I' is not my body, because it can moan in my absence, and 'I' can
be aware of this to the extent of hurrying hack to it in order
to stop it.
'I' is not that self that was away from the body, and anxious to
return because of the body's distress, for I had awareness of
this 'self' in the same way as I would of anyone else. The 'out
of the body' self was anxious. I, observing the whole thing, was
'I' am 'I'. I have a body, which can moan in its sleep, whilst my
'self' is away from it. I can observe myself away from my body,
and instruct my memory to recall the event, *once the event is
brought to my attention.*
'I' can then utilise the faculties of both 'self' and body to
recall the occurrence at a later time, and to record it with as
much clarity as 'I' observed it.
My body had distress - it moaned.
My 'self' had anxiety - it looked for the body.
'I' had no feeling - 'I' simply saw.
I who saw made these notes, using the faculties inherent in
body and 'self'. ('Self' objects to this, insisting on its
independence from 'I'. It is rather like a disobedient child.
Therefore 'self' sees 'I' as a parent - the parents of the dream
sequence perhaps, which is possibly how 'I' became involved, by
detachment, in the events).
I am not body.
I am not the body's complaints.
I am not anxiety, or any of the feelings attributable to 'self'.
('Self' is very cross at this !)
I am simply I.
I possess attributes such as body, with its attributes, and 'self'
with its attributes, but they are possessions only, following
their own natures and laws. 'Self' has some independence from
body, but is bound to return to it if need be, and, it would
seem, to advise of its absence. I can have awareness of this -
probably again according to laws of being, but am not involved
in any way other to observe and record.
I am I, and I am. I know that I am and that I possess qualities,
which qualities I am not. The nature and activity of these
qualities of body and 'self' changes in behaviour and mood, and
also in function. *I do not.*
(Some part, if not all of the last sentence is the identification
of 'self' with my observation - I observe it to be so! The child
seeks to emulate, and *thereby to control* the parent!)
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