Theos-Talk Archives (December 1995 Message tl00000)

Hi all
Thought this might amuse you and show how bad the economy must be to affect
poor Santa to such an extent. I have forwarded this from MMList.
>
>Date: 191711 1995
>To: All good girls and boys
>From: Santa Clause CEO
>Subject: Downsizing at the North Pole
>
>The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
>early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
>about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring
>decisions at the North Pole.
>
>Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no
>longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
>channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and
>he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
>
>The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
>model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
>Dasher and Dancer who summered at the Harvard Business School is
>anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of
>service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
>emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable
>press.
>
>I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
>disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
>Management denies in the strongest possible language the earlier leak
>that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold but from substance
>abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull
>his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa's
>helpers and taken out-of-context at a time of
>year when he is known to be under executive stress.
>
>As a further restructuring today's global challenges require the North
>Pole to continue to look for better more competitive steps. Effective
>immediately the following economy measures are to take place in the
>"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
>
>The partridge will be retained but the pear tree never turned out to be
>the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant
>providing considerable savings in maintenance.
>
>The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
>cost-effective. In addition their romance during working hours could not
>be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
>
>The three French hens will remain intact. After all everyone loves the French.
>
>The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system
>with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
>birds have been calling how often and how long they talked.
>
>The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
>Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
>implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
>precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
>appear to be in order.
>
>The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
>afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
>goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
>will be let go and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
>will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good
>one.
>
>The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
>The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
>current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
>enhance their outplacement.
>
>As you know the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
>scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
>sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
>mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending
>a-mentoring or a-mulching.
>
>Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
>phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
>
>Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
>international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
>replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
>ability may be somewhat sacrificed the savings are significant because we
>expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
>
>Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
>band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet a cutback on
>new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down
>to the bottom line.
>
>We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people fowl animals and
>other expenses. Though incomplete studies indicate that stretching
>deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
>day service levels will be improved.
>
>Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
>expansion to include the legal profession "thirteen lawyers-a-suing"
>action is pending.
>
>Lastly it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
>the future to stay competitive. Should that happen the Board will request
>management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is
>the right number. Happy Holidays! S. Claus
>
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>
Bee Brown
Member Theosophy International